Tag Archives: Texting

Barth’s Bus Stories: Shelly Duvall

12 May

shelleyduvallMay 30, 2014

A woman with strikingly huge eyes (looks like a young Shelly Duvall) sits across the aisle from Barth at the front of a crowded #6 Southbound from Downtown. They’re facing each other.

Shelly Duvall starts doing strange things with her eyes, rolling them slowly as though testing her field of vision, looking at the ceiling, then down at the ground, left then right and back again — all while keeping her head perfectly still.

Finally, her giant eyes land on Texting Woman to her immediate right. Shelly Duvall angles her head so she can read what the woman is texting. Suddenly, she looks straight ahead, stricken. After a moment, her giant eyes slowly shift under her heavy lids to look to her right again.

The shifty, sidelong look is so comic, like something from a Warner Brothers cartoon, that Barth can’t help but laugh under his breath.

Shelly Duvall’s eyes finally land on Texting Woman’s screen and begin to read again. Her eyebrows knit slightly. Texting Woman shifts slightly in her seat and Shelly Duvall abruptly looks straight ahead, eyes wide, all innocent, then slooooowly the big eyes shift back to the screen. Shelly Duvall makes a shocked moue and widens her big eyes in stagey surprise and lets out the tiniest of laughs. Texting Woman looks up and Shelly Duvall pretends to be looking out the front of the bus. Texting Woman adjusts how she sitting. After a moment, Shelly Duvall leeeeeans back ever so slowly and gets a look at the screen again and now begins to laugh and must pretend to cough to cover the outburst of laughter.

Barth laughs too. Both pretend they’re coughing. Shelly Duvall makes eye contact with Barth whose laughter makes her laugh even more. Both are coughing and laughing, hands over their mouths.

Texting Woman continues to text.

Barth spreads his hands, like, “What did you read??”

Shelly Duvall shakes her head. No. Can’t go into it.

Barth spreads his hands, like, “Come ON! You have to tell me!”

Shelly Duvall is now laughing even harder in silent, frozen distress. Shakes her head helplessly.

Barth wants to kill Shelly Duvall. Let’s her know with a big angry frown.

Shelly Duvall keeps her hand over her mouth, makes a fist, then, with her tongue poking in the cheek opposite Texting Woman, Shelley Duvall makes the international sign for blow job.