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Barth’s Bus Stories: Bestiality (NSFW)

5 Apr

Basset_hound_0003

On the 23.
Two fourteen-year-old African American girls board and sit.

Girl1: I was on Facebook last night and I saw a white lady fucking a dog.
Girl2: For real?
Girl1: [knowledgeably] Yeah, white ladies do that.
Girl2: [flabbergasted] Why?
Girl1: She wrote a real long post about it but I didn’t finish it. She said it’s called bestiality.
Girl2: Bes-ti-ality??
Girl1: She fucks beasts.
[Long Pause.]
Girl2: Why does she fuck beasts?
Girl1: She didn’t say why. But I’m pretty sure it’s because beasts are sexy to her.
Girl2: Any beast?
Girl1: Any and every beast.
Girl2: What all are beasts?
Girl1: Anything that moves. Anything that breeds that, you know, she can do it with. Not mice. No one can do it with mice. [Thinks] Maybe mice.
Girl2: Really?
GIrl1: I didn’t finish the article.
Girl2: Dear God. [Staring out her window. Head shaking slowly.] The world is all wrong, Trinity.

 

Image courtesy
Lilly M – Own work, CC BY 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1425693
Wikimedia Commons

Barth’s Bus Stories: Ear Bud Couple

15 May

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May 14, 2015

It’s chilly and rainy. Two teenagers are under the bus stop, both with ear buds plugged into the same iPod. Girl sings snatches of what they’re listening to in a decent voice. Boy too. They’re so young they may not know they’re in love.

Long pause as they listen intently, spying on each other, waiting, then they both gasp in awe and start dancing. They catch me grinning, laugh.

Barth: What is it?

Boy: [pulling out ear bud] What?

Barth: What song?

Boy: Bitch Better Have My Money by Rhianna.

Barth’s Bus Stories: Shelly Duvall

12 May

shelleyduvallMay 30, 2014

A woman with strikingly huge eyes (looks like a young Shelly Duvall) sits across the aisle from Barth at the front of a crowded #6 Southbound from Downtown. They’re facing each other.

Shelly Duvall starts doing strange things with her eyes, rolling them slowly as though testing her field of vision, looking at the ceiling, then down at the ground, left then right and back again — all while keeping her head perfectly still.

Finally, her giant eyes land on Texting Woman to her immediate right. Shelly Duvall angles her head so she can read what the woman is texting. Suddenly, she looks straight ahead, stricken. After a moment, her giant eyes slowly shift under her heavy lids to look to her right again.

The shifty, sidelong look is so comic, like something from a Warner Brothers cartoon, that Barth can’t help but laugh under his breath.

Shelly Duvall’s eyes finally land on Texting Woman’s screen and begin to read again. Her eyebrows knit slightly. Texting Woman shifts slightly in her seat and Shelly Duvall abruptly looks straight ahead, eyes wide, all innocent, then slooooowly the big eyes shift back to the screen. Shelly Duvall makes a shocked moue and widens her big eyes in stagey surprise and lets out the tiniest of laughs. Texting Woman looks up and Shelly Duvall pretends to be looking out the front of the bus. Texting Woman adjusts how she sitting. After a moment, Shelly Duvall leeeeeans back ever so slowly and gets a look at the screen again and now begins to laugh and must pretend to cough to cover the outburst of laughter.

Barth laughs too. Both pretend they’re coughing. Shelly Duvall makes eye contact with Barth whose laughter makes her laugh even more. Both are coughing and laughing, hands over their mouths.

Texting Woman continues to text.

Barth spreads his hands, like, “What did you read??”

Shelly Duvall shakes her head. No. Can’t go into it.

Barth spreads his hands, like, “Come ON! You have to tell me!”

Shelly Duvall is now laughing even harder in silent, frozen distress. Shakes her head helplessly.

Barth wants to kill Shelly Duvall. Let’s her know with a big angry frown.

Shelly Duvall keeps her hand over her mouth, makes a fist, then, with her tongue poking in the cheek opposite Texting Woman, Shelley Duvall makes the international sign for blow job.

Barth’s Bus Stories: All Week

12 May

bus_crowded

July 26, 2014

The 22 pulls up.

Barth: (boarding) I was ready to throw myself in front of the bus to make you stop! Which is funny because normally I get thrown under buses.

Driver: He’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip the waitress. She’s only got one leg, so she’s easy to tip.

Lone Passenger on Bus: Jesus fucking Christ.

Barth’s Bus Stories: Anyone Lose a Sock?

11 May

bus_crowdedFebruary 9, 2014

[Bus stop at the corner of Franklin and Hennepin. Insanely cold. Dark. Exhaust freezing midair in car headlights.]

Guy 1: Anyone lose a sock?

[None of the ten people waiting answers him.]

Guy 1: There’s a sock right there. In the ice. Anyone lose this sock?

[Everyone pretends this isn’t happening.]

Guy 1: [digs sock out of the solid ice on the sidewalk, holds it up: A stiff, cardboard cut-out of a sock. It’s gaudily striped in 7 seven different colors.] Anyone?

[Long pause]

Guy 2: Holy shit.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: That’s MY sock.

Guy 1: Yeah? It was right here.

Guy 2: Let me look at it. [Takes frozen sock.] Yep. [Rolls up one leg of his snow pants to reveal he is wearing an identical sock, same gaudily-colored stripes.] I lost it like a month ago.

Guy 3: NO. WAY.

Guy 2: [putting frozen sock in his backpack] I must have dropped it on the way to the laundry down the street there. That was like a month ago.

Guy 3: NO. FUCKING. WAY. THAT’S *YOUR* SOCK??

Guy 1: Well, there it is. That’s why I was meant to go in to treatment today. To find your sock for you, brother.

[Guy 1 and Guy 2 give each other a hardy, backslapping bro hug.]

GUY 3: THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN FUCKING SENSE! NO WAY. HE JUST WALKED UP HERE AND *FOUND* YOUR SOCK?

Barth’s Bus Stories: I Got It

8 May

image

May 8, 2015

Teenager Next to Me: [talking on phone] To the mall. With the guy. The guy. It’s all he wants to do. Hours at the Mall of America arcade. His mom makes me spend my money because she can’t afford it. Four hours last Friday. I’m working later. Took leftover quesadillas from work and ate them last night after work and gave them to abuela and we both vomited before bed. So we need a better something. I mean better food. Because we don’t need school we need money. Made her sick. You’re not listening to what I say. You don’t really even listen. You’re working, yeah, but I could say anything to you. It’s me. I got it. Leon says hi. Trey says hi. They miss you. [Very long pause] Mom, it’s just what they said.

Barth’s Bus Stories: Up the Steps?

6 May

busfeet2May 6, 2015

Attractive African-American Woman at the front of the bus is about to exit at the light-rail stop on Franklin, but pauses and asks the bus driver something. Then she turns to address all the bus passengers.

AAAW: Any y’all know where the American Indian building is?

Three African-American guys burst from their seats to answer her.

3AA Guys: It’s up that way a block. No, go up the steps! Yeah, up the steps and cross the tracks!

AAAW: [taken aback by all the of voices at once] What now?

3AA Guys: Up that way! Up the steps and across the light-rail tracks! You’ll see it!

AAAW: [smiling back at the three fetchingly] Up the steps?

3AA Guys: It’s on the corner up there! Just walk up the sidewalk, you’ll see it. Oh, he don’t know! Go up these steps! No, just go up the steps! No, the steps are so steep. The sidewalk is easier!

AAAW: [flipping back her hand, pointing back over her shoulder, in a “little ol’ me” sorta way; still smiling] Way up on the corner?

3AA Guys: You can’t miss it! It’s just right up there! Don’t worry, you’ll see it. Just walk right over the light-rail tracks when you get up there!

The woman thanks them, exits the bus, and walks up the steps in a deliberate sashay.

Oldest of the African-American Guys watches her as the bus pulls from the curb.

Last Guy: [to himself in a quiet rumble] I don’t know where you going and I don’t care where you been…