Stumped: Want to know what to name your Fantasy Football team this year?

4 Sep

stumpedAre you stumped for a good name for your Fantasy Football team?

Well, I’m here to help you with this simple equation, one that applies hip cultural references, venomous hate for your fellow players, and (potentially) egregious profanity.

Fantasy Football Insiders would be willing to pay thousands of dollars for this information, but I’m giving it to you for free because who the hell would really pay for this shit? No one.

Here’s how you name your Fantasy Football team, friends:

Take the name of last year’s league champion (or another opponent in your league, as needed) + the most ridiculous descriptor from anthropologie.com’s furniture or garden listings + a random body part. And by random body part, I mean either “vagina,” “vas deferens,” or “vagina.”

Example: My nephew Tim Barringer’s brilliance as a prognosticator of football garnered him our fantasy football league trophy last year, a beautiful artifact that he chose for himself and with which he takes selfies – because, ironically, Tim is also the recipient of the most regrettable DNA in our family. So, let’s put our little equation to work:

Tim Barringer

+

The desk at this link

+

Vagina/Vas Deferens (because V-words are funny)

=

Tim Barringer’s Retractable Writing Vagina!

 

The possibilities really are endless, so don’t let the confines of this equation ruin the poetry of your team name. Expand! Explore!

Tim Barringer’s Moroccan Wedding Vagina
Tim Barringer’s Velvet Beatrix Dining Vas Deferens
Tim Barringer’s Perforated Metal Stacking Vagina

If your league is classier than this and has actual, written rules about the use of “private parts” of any kind in team names (i.e., your commish is your mom), you can always select a body part that sounds vaguely dirty, like:

Epiglottis
Uvula
Coccyx
Pineal Gland
Wenis
Pons

Ex.: Tim Barringer’s Viper Fold-up Pineal Gland

Pro Tip. Stay away from using body parts as points of shame regarding sexuality. For example, my nephew-in-law Mike targeted his dear friend Greg with such a strategy last year, naming his own team “Greg Can Suck a D.I.C.K..” Mike is a good liberal guy, but still, the homo-shaming was unnecessary. What if Greg was gay? It would basically be like Mike naming his team “Have a nice day, Greg,” and that won’t do. Greg Walla’s Kalahari Vignette Scrotum would have been much better.

Now, if you were lucky enough to be the league-champion last year, everyone already thinks you’re a Big Sur Two-Toned Pancreas as it is, so maligning the very league-mates that you beat last year is in dreadfully poor taste. In this scenario, select a safe, mutually hated villain to disparage like a high school gym teacher whom you all shared, a local sex offender, Kevin Sorbo, or, as always, Matt Lauer.

Or your Marble Swing Stool Prick of an uncle.

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